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A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. Academe: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy Awards: A place where everyone lets off esteem. Achievement: The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. The period when children are certain they will never be as stupid as their parents; 14. The time when a boy stops collecting stamps and starts playing post office; 18. The state in which a man most easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free from admirers then. Any counsel or suggestion made by one golfer to another about the choice of club, method of play or making of a shot, which contains no more than five errors of fact, contradictory statements or harmful recommendations. Awl: (Southern) An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. A.: A degree which indicates that the holder has mastered the first two letters of the alphabet… Babble: A feminine noise, somewhat resembling the sound of a brook, but with less meaning. Angels whose wings grow shorter as their legs grow longer; 2. The worst feature of any new baby is its mother’s singing. Baby Boomer: A kid who just polished off six jars of raspberry jam. What too many women in slacks definitely don’t have; 3, A teenager you hire to watch your TV; 4. A fifty-cent dinner served in sufficient quantity to enable a caterer to charge twenty dollars for it; 2. The woodwind instrument that, when played properly, looks like you’re taking a hit off a water pipe. Bath: A process by which Mom and Dad drench the floor, walls and themselves. Batmobiling: Putting up emotional shields (from the retracting armor that covers the batmobile). Biography: A region bounded on the north by history, on the south by fiction, on the east by obituary, and on the west by tedium. Bookcase: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles. Borderline Obese: Won’t fit through the turnstile at the immigration booth. A fellow who can change the subject to his topic of conversation faster than you can change it back to yours; 2. The one on your invitation list who never has a previous engagement; 14. Botcherby: The principle by which British roads are signposted. Bountiful: What Captain Bligh declared after learning that one more breadfruit tree would sink his ship. Consumer: One who delights advertisers by acquiring unnecessary products in accordance with the motto, “I spend, therefore I am.” Contempt: The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed. Contractor: A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal. If everything is under control, you’re moving too slowly. Convention: An excuse for doing the unconventional. A fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbour; 2. Correctional Facility: Rent-free public housing for thieves, rapists, muggers, murderers, deadbeats, extortionists, drug fiends and other assorted malcontents who are thought to benefit form confinement in each other’s company. Corrosion Resistant: Term found on articles of fishing equipment indicating that they are capable of withstanding the harmful effects of salt-water exposure for 91, 181, or 366 days, depending on the nature of the guarantee. Cotton: Material from which a married woman’s underwear is made.

19th Hole: The only hole on which golfers do not complain about the number of shots they took. 404: Someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found”, meaning the requested document couldn’t be located: “Don’t bother asking him, he’s 404.” A Cappella: Just two, please. AAA-AA: A club for people who are being driven to drink. Abbreviation: An inordinately long word in light of its meaning. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach; 2. The art of getting credit for all the home runs that somebody else hits. A person we know who falls short of being a friend, either because he isn’t well-to-do enough, or because he won’t let us borrow from him; 3. The period in which the young suddenly begin to feel a great responsibility about answering the phone; 7. A word used to describe an amount or size, as in “This computer cost quite a bit.” Bitch: A female of a dog or vice versa. Blamestorming: A group process where participants analyze a failed project and look for scapegoats other than themselves. Blasphemy: What the mine foreman told the miner to do with the dynamite. Blind Date: When you expect to meet a vision and she turns out to be a sight. Imagine a four function calculator that eats 20 Megs of disk space. Bogey: The number of strokes needed to finish a hole by a golfer of average skill and above-average honesty. Boinka: The noise through the wall which tells you that the people next door enjoy a better sex life than you do. Bon Vivant: A man who would rather be a good liver than have one. No need for dismay, however: two bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident. Boob’s Law: You always find something in the last place you look. Book: A depository of knowledge which a student will try to stay awake long enough to read the night before finals. The man who is early when you are late, and late when you are early; 2. Brane: A multidimensional object with dimensions ranging from zero to nine. A man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run; 3. A politician who is enamoured of existing evils, as distinguished from the liberal, who wants to replace them with others; 5. Consultation: A medical term meaning “share the wealth.” Consultant: 1.

AALST: One who changes his name to be nearer the front. Abligo: One who prides himself on not even knowing what day of the week it is. Abscond: To move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. The period when a girl begins to powder and a boy begins to puff; 8. A man who doesn’t believe in putting off until tomorrow what can be dunned today; 2. Blinky-Eyed: How you get when you’re trying to ignore the bed’s call. Blithbury: A look someone gives you which indicates that they’re much too drunk to have understood anything you’ve said to them in the last twenty minutes. Bonds Of Matrimony: Worthless unless the interest is kept up. Book (Best Seller): The gilded tomb of a mediocre talent. A fellow who’ll raise the roof before he’ll raise your salary; 3. A mutual affliction of brain damage for the amusement of the public. One who does not think that anything should be done for the first time; 6. Consolation: The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself. Someone who borrows your watch then tells you what time it is; 2. Copyright Defined Coquette: A woman without a heart, who makes a fool of a man who has no head. A profession for which you have to take a Stiff exam.

Agrophobia: The fear of being beaten up in an open space. Alcoy: Wanting to be bullied into having another drink. The method some women use for taking the drudgery out of housework; 13. Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. A country that has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. One who gets mad when a foreigner curses the institutions he curses; 2. A man who is free to choose his own form of government - blonde, brunette, or redhead. Anality: The act of being anal retentive over something. Analysis: An excuse to take something to pieces to see how it works. Apple Computer: The fruit of rapid growth in a high-tech industry. Aquadextrous: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. A class that sounds vaguely risque until you find out what it really involves. The reason Mom’s sister keeps hugging you every time she can catch you; 2. Antifreeze: What happens to your mother’s sister when you steal her blanket. Apparently: As either mother or father would do it. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw; 2. Apple: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. April 1: The day we are reminded of what we are the other 364. Archive: Where the two bees stayed after Noah brought them aboard. The only vegetable you have more of when you finish eating it, than you had when you started. Artificial Intelligence: The goal of building a computer to think and learn like a human being. Artisan Food: Food which is made by traditional, often labour-intensive methods and usually in small batches (rather than by large-scale factory processing). A man whom no girl has maneuvered into a situation where she can say, “Yes.”; 36. Bad Taste: Simply saying the truth before it should be said. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, “Baggage Claim Area. ” Baile Funk: A style of fast dance music with hard-edged vocals, originating in Brazil, and with lyrics characterized by the ethos of the favelas (or the slums) of Rio de Janeiro.

Aground: When a boat makes the discovery that all water has land under it. Aldclune: One who collects ten-year-old telephone directories. The stuff that makes separations look like reparations; 14. Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.” Allege: A high rock shelf. Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that hey cannot separately plunder a third. Aloha: A sound you hear when someone with a deep voice laughs. Alphabet: A toy for children found in books, blocks, pictures, and some soup. American Language: English run over by a musical comedy. Amnesia: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again. Amusement Park: A walled city populated mainly by teenagers, who willingly pay to have their bodies and brains agitated on a variety of fiendish contraptions designed to induce vomiting. Anarachnophobia: The fear of spiders wearing waterproof coats. Aqualibrium: The point at which the stream of drinking water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (A) having to suck the nozzle; or (B) squirting himself in the eye. Something that everyone has, but it looks better on a girl; 2. Ancestor Worship: The conviction that your family is better dead than alive. Anesthetic: The painkiller that crazy women refuse during labour. Angler: A man who spends rainy days sitting around on the muddy banks of rivers doing nothing because his wife won’t let him do it at home. Event involving two bugs who fall in love and run away together. Antiboyotics: When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on makeup. Antimony: A necessity in any poker game being played for money. When you ask one court to show its contempt for another court. Appeasement: The policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile, one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last. April Fool: The March fool with another month added to his folly. A science that proves you can’t keep a good man down; 2. The best husband a woman can have - the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. Ardcrony: A remote acquaintance passed off as ’a very good friend of mine’ by someone trying to impress people. A fellow who never finds out how many faults he has; 37. Bad Times: A period when people worry about the business outlook instead of being on the lookout for business. Bait: A preparation that renders the hook more palatable.

The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights. Airhead: What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Airplane: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-year-old to eat strained beets. Alimentary Canal: The passage through the human body from which President Reagan’s ’trickle down’ theory of economics was based. Antique Furniture: What you get from living with children. A place where the landlord and the tenant are both trying to raise the rent; 2. Apocryphal: A statement or story which is widely circulated, believed to be true, but probably isn’t. An exchange of ignorance (see also Discussion - an exchange of knowledge). The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith. Army Captain: A uniform with two chips on each shoulder. Arpeggio: The story book kid with the big nose that grows. Back Four Seconds: What a clock does when it’s hungry.

Airplanes: One of those things that’s of no earthly use. Antique Shop: A junk store that has raised its prices. Antitalksident: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. A place where you start to turn off your radio and discover you’ve been listening to your neighbour’s. This includes the collective works of Dick Cheney & Michael Moore. Arithmetic: Being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. Armed: Is a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed? Back Nine: The final 27 holes of an 18-hole golf course.

Ah: (Southern) The thing you see with, denoting individuality. Alderman: An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding. When a bride continues to get wedding gifts after the divorce; 15. That which enables a woman who at one time lived happily married to live happily unmarried; 17. Americans: People with more time-saving devices and less time than any other people in the world. Amnesty: The state’s magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish. Anatomy: Something that everybody has, but it looks much better on a girl. Arahnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web. Animal Rights: A loopy, well-intentioned activist movement that, in its extreme form, harbors more compassion for a captive circus elephant than for the hapless trainer on whose face it sits. Anthologist: A lazy fellow who like to spend a quiet evening at home “raiding a good book.” Antibody: 1. Antipathy: The sentiment inspired by one’s friend’s friend. An object that has made a round trip to the attic; 2. Appeaser: One who feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him last. Apron: A large primate moving very fast on his feet. Arab: A man who will pull down a whole temple to have a stone to sit on. The science of digging around to find another civilization to blame ours on; 3. Archaeology: A science that proves you can’t keep a good man down. Ardelve: To make a big display of searching all your pockets when approached by a charity collector. A man who has taken many a girl out but has never been taken in; 38. A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit; 40. Bachelor Girl: A girl who is still looking for a bachelor. Badaptation: A bad movie version of a good book Badify: To make something worse.

Usage: “Ah think Ah’ve got somethin’ in mah ah.” Ahead: The thing on top of your neck. Air: A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor. Alfred Nobel: A man who endowed the world with dynamite and prizes to discourage its use. Giving comfort to the enemy; 7 man’s best proof that you have to pay for your mistakes; 8. The sum of money a man is commanded to pay his ex-wife in exchange for the pleasure of having her live under a separate roof; 18. American History: The replacement of the red Indian by red tape. Animals: Creatures that do not grab for more when they have enough. Annualism: Books written by authors who show off their powers of endurance by doing something odd for a year. Something no one would be seen with if there were more of them; 3. Appendicitis: A modern pain, costing about ,000 more than the old-fashioned stomach ache. Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web. Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work for Mc Donald’s. Archbishop: An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop. Are: (Southern) Possessive case of “we” used as a predicate adjective (? A discussion where two people try to get the last word in first; 2. Arrested Development: Prerequisite for success as a radio DJ or a social satirist. Like morality, art consists in drawing the line somewhere. Art School: A place for young girls to pass the time between high school and marriage. The only man who has never told his wife a lie; 41. Bachelor’s Life: Just one un-darned thing after another.

Airflow: Condition of a car created by putting the wife in the back seat. Antiques: 1: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people; 2. See also most of the information the government tells you. Back-Up: Recommended if you meet a skunk in the woods.

Backbite: To speak of a man as you find him when he can’t find you.

A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of wealth of power. Someone who would rather have a small role than a long loaf; 7. Actor’s Agent: A guy who sometimes bites the ham who feeds him. Admissions Office: Where you’re taken to admit that you’ve mooned the keynote speaker during ’new student weekend.’ Admonition: 1. A period in which children begin to question the answers; 4. Biscuit Dough: A primitive adhesive used extensively and successfully by brides to prevent loss of their wedding bands. Blonde Joe-ks: Joe-ks that are short so men can understand them. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. Boaster: A person with whom it is sooner done than said. BP: Company in Gulf of Mexico that turns your barbecue into a tarbecue. The thing you are forced to use if you haven’t much formal education; 3. What a man looks for in a wife, after not using any in selecting one; 2. Briefcase: A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party. An inner voice that warns us somebody is looking; 17. Consciousness-Raising: The fine art of teaching well-adjusted citizens to view themselves as victims of oppression.

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