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Real intimacy is created in everyday communication, in the nitty-gritty of sharing a life together and in the hard work of resolving conflicts and accepting the other person as different to you.

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Of course your husband should not blame you and he must take responsibility for how he has hurt you with his online behaviour, but the two of you must take responsibility for improving the marriage.

Though it may be painful, the fact that you have started talking about issues is a good sign.

There is a big difference between a person occasionally viewing pornography with the knowledge and even involvement of their partner to a full-blown betrayal and using adult websites to start affairs with other people.

Like many problems, it can start innocently at first, with a person visiting sexually titillating sites perhaps out of boredom or a seeking escapism but then it can escalate to other behaviours, such as directly communicating with other people online and over time can become addictive and harmful.

When I challenged him, he was embarrassed and then defensive saying it was just harmless flirting and that he had not gone over any line.

I still feel really unhappy about what he has done.

ASK THE EXPERT: QI have been married 10 years and we have four children aged 9, 7, 6 and 4.

Recently, I discovered that my husband has been using adult chat rooms online and seems to have been communicating in sexually explicit ways with other people.

A second issue for a marriage is that one partner turns to the internet for flirting and sexual excitement rather than to their partner.

When this happens frequently, it can lead to a reduction in their sex-life together, a growing sense of disconnection and an erosion of the marital bond.

To move forward, it is important that you continue to talk to your husband and try to understand the extent of his difficulties and what the underlying issues are for him.

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